pasty tourist

wow, another year down and i am already a senior, trippy. i dont know if im ready to leave just yet, just the other day i was reading judy moody books and watching cartoon network into the wee hours of the day, i am no adult! but anyways, this is the first time in over a week i have had internet connection or any form of technology. *le gasp* i just returned from a family vacation,...i survived. it was fun we went hiking and junk, but i spent most of the time lounging by the pool fruitlessly working on my non existent tan, i also regrettably took 'vacation' to mean 'free-for-all-pig-out-week' so now not only am i pasty, i am fat. no offense to fat people, do your thing. but i ate the entire week and on the long drive back home i stopped to weigh myself at one of those truck stop bathroom scales to see the damage, and was shocked when it told me i had gained 9 pounds.... so i kicked it hard enough to cut my pale, big toe and screamed: " FUCK YOU TRUCK STOP SCALE! YOU TAKE MY QUARTERS AND TELL ME LIES!" like any perfectly sane person would do in that situation. i am banned from ever returning to that truck stop again, its pretty cool they have my picture up on the wall and everything.



/Monica

learn from my fail

let me impart a little bit of knowledge to all,...three of you. if you are watching an extremly awkward animal planet special with all of your closest friends and family on the mating habits of south African mammals and you happen to accidentally spill a bottle of water in your lap do no, i repeat DO NOT ever say: "oh wow, im so wet." ..............

worst moment of my life. now im going to go crawl under my bed and stay there until either i die or every last witness to that shit storm suddenly develops short term memory loss. so if i never post again just know that it is highly likely that i am the first ever documented account of death by mortification.

                                                /Monica

Im a B.A.M.F!

Well my lazy ass is home "sick" today and although there is a shit load of productive things I could be doing, I think Im just gonna continue to sit around eating corndogs while spending hours on websites such as catsthatlooklikehitler.com........ Well in more AWESOME news, yesterday I was out on a little late night run, (I like to live on the edge.) just listenin' to a little journey getting my workout on; when all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere I turned a corner and was startled by what at the time I thought was a rapist but just turned out to be a cat, but my frightened mind didn't quite commpute that fact until after I had Chuck Norris round-house kicked the poor thing 5 feet. At first I felt really bad, but then I thought: "I have the finely honed instincts of a kung-fo master!" Hell yeah! All those hours spent watching 'Buffy the vampire slayer' and 'Nikita' have made me one bad-A, Mo-Fo. I kinda felt like......

watch your back creepers!

.........relax PETA, i gave the cat some bacon...

                                                                    /Monica



monarchical governments never last...

Only days until the royal wedding and I honestly could care less of a crumpet-shaped crap. Why are we so obssesed? Im American, and that means that I am entitled to be an ignorant, self absorbed, jack ass. So I don't care what a couple of rich British people are doing. You may say: "But its a modern day fairy tale! shes a lowly commoner, hes a prince, blah, blah, so romantic."  Well I disagree its like a sad, pathetic Disney movie after reality has slapped the ever loving shit out of it; shes in it for the status & wealth, and hes awkward and balding. get real people, got out and live your own life rather than watch and obsess over someone else's.
                                                      /Monica

manly advice from a chick

I am in love with Andy Samberg.... He is the manchild of my dreams. When i first saw 'Jizz in my pants.' It was like love at first sight. If I ever meet him, I make no promises that I would not publicly jump his bones. And guys, just a little bit of insight: It doesnt take alot for a man to be sexy, you dont have to be Ryan Renolds to get the girl; I mean you have to brush your teeth and shower often, but there is no need to try so hard. Just treat us with respect, keep your chest hair firmly attached to your body, (sorry, but a silky smooth guy wierds me out.) and stop wearing your little sisters jeans.   P.S Andy, if you ever read this: give me a year, im almost legal!

                                              /Monica

A story....

well first day back from spring break and my ass is already in trouble, why? you may ask, well let me tell you a little story:  At the end of the period his creepy ass said "I need to speak with you after school about your current events essay." So with a sigh i tried my best not to showcase my actual feelings about the guy, those being: 'pervy douche.' and agreed to return after school. (A little back ground info on Mr.Creepydouche; he is a man of perpetual gloom and saddness, he always smelles of rotten fish, and has the look of a man who could not possibly ever satisfy a woman......)

                                                               sweet shades bro.

...Flash forward to the of end school. I reluctantly drag my ass back to his ominous lair of doom to full fill my no doubt unfair and undeserved punisment for crimes i had not commited."Ah there you are Monica, i thought you had forgotten."  (Someone get this pervy douche a hairless cat.) "As you know, plagarism and cheating are frowned upon here." Oh no? Really, at school? No shit Sherlock. "Well yes Mr. Creepydouche, i am well aware of the schools zero tolorence for cheating and plagerizme, but i am confused as to why i am here seeing as how i have not violated those rules." (Mental high five!) "Ah yes, well that is not entirely true now is it? Is this your essay right here?" He askes holding up my 5 page single spaced current events essay i had worked so hard on, over spring break no less. "why yes it is sir Pervydouche." "Well  I strongly suggest you revise it before turning it in or i will be forced to lower your grade, for example there are many places in your essay where you inserted sentences that do not belong." he was of course talking about my random bursts of sensless humor I added to keep away the boredom , some of these include but are not limited to: suck my balls. how do magnets work? global warming does not exsist. and my favorite: FRIDAY!FRIDAY! GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY!

       /Monica

i sound like my mother...

As obvious as it is to others let me just share a quick bit of knowledge with you,...Whoever you may be. Chloe and I are pretty much polar opposites. Translation: while Chlobeast is a sexy bitch, (and slightly scary in a completely refreshing way.) I am more passive agressive, meaning i am the type of person that feels obligated to yell at that really obnoxious lady in Walmart with the cart full of crap in the 20 iteams or less checkout line. (I mean come on! Wheres the justice in that? All i want is to buy a box a tampons, a shovel, and some cadbury eggs and be on my way!) But on the other hand feels it would be too rude to ask for my friend to give me back my favorite dress that i let her borrow, two years ago. So Chloe's post reminded me of the time i was called a tease, it was spring of 2010 and i had been talking with a guy for about a month, now normally in my opinion that is called friendship, but i guess to him that translated to 'I should have been putting out like, yesterday'.  He accused me of being a tease and playing hard to get and promptly blocked me on facebook...Yes while i do admit that being the opposite of chole (a virginal prude.) means that most of the time a guy could be publicly dry humping me and i still wouldnt get the hint that 'Hey! maybe he kinda likes me'. Call me ignorant, but not a tease! Im sorry that all of those romantic, late night texts inquiring for nudey pics didnt make me want to rip my clothes off for you then and there! Our generation is seriously screwed, forgive me for thinking that a relationship is not fully developed until a guy has the cajones to ask me out on an actual date,(and pay the bill for said date.......you know who you are.)  people my age just dont realize that while posting your relationship status on FB and texting each other sappy, seriously inarticulate love notes may give you the right to call them your boyfriend,  its not a relationship, its not love, thats a venereal disease waiting to happen. VIRGINAL PRUDES UNITE!!!
   yours truly: Monica

welcome home

First ever post. Wow. Give me a minute to collect myself,...As the voice of reason let me just say that what you. Yes you, hold in your hands right now is the creative, explosively ingenious, brain baby of two young, amazing girls destined to be famous: Chloe and Monica. I am Monica, and as humble as i am, im also pretty damn funny. So in a burst of brilliance we created 2girls1blog, to entertain the masses and project our verbal vomit into cyber space for the world to see and cringe at. While we may not post everyday, our goal is to share the everyday endeavor of two highschool aged girls struggling with our anonymity, (as if there arent enough crappy movies about that.) but we view life at a slightly different angle then the average highschool skank. So sit back and watch the drama and hilarity unfold. yours truly: Monica